OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
well you can't waste a boner
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
