Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
