I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Randomize
