anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Randomize
