I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Be still, my beating vagina.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I didn't notice because vodka
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Randomize
