Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
