I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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