Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Randomize
