Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
