I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
