I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
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