You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Randomize
