I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
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