The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Randomize
