I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
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