I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
