I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Randomize
