Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
