Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Sex in the backyard? Check.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
