I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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