I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
