p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
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