Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
i think we sleep fucked last night...
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
