Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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