im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
