its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
you never un-have a 4some
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
