My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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