I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
