you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
