he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I need a beard to bite.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
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