Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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