I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
