just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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