i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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