the condom got lost in my hair
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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