i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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