I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
