even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
