new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
