there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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