I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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