You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
