I wish I could punch you in the face.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Randomize
