I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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