a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
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