your room smells of hookers.
And success
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
