I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
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