I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Randomize
