is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
