I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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