just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
