I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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